Always Recognize Your Dope

It's important to realize that when you're checking out at a grocery store, it's not always the shortest line or the emptiest cart that should determine which line you choose. Always try to recognize your dope, if possible, and avoid him or her accordingly.
There is not always a rhyme or reason for accomplishing this. It is an acquired art that comes with time and experience, though there are certain things you can look out for in trying to help yourself.
Things to avoid:
1. The Coupon Queen: If you are on line and see that the person ahead of you has a stack of coupons thicker than a George Costanza wallet, choose a different line. This person will inevitably have coupons for items that aren't even being checked out or that have expired. This person will argue the validity of said coupons to the point that you'd almost pay the alleged difference just so you can get on with your life. Trust me, this is almost always a losing battle.
2. Non English Speaking: This person will always have some kind of question for the cashier, but will be unable to communicate effectively, thus making what should be a quick transaction into the time equivalent of a 5 year old trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.
3. The Cell Phone Bandit: This person feels that his/her nonsensical conversation is more important that paying any attention to checking out his/her groceries. This is quite often the same person that offers no help in bagging anything and cops an attitude in blaming the cashier and just about anyone other than themselves for the transaction taking so long. This person can be found huffing and puffing, not recognizing that they are in fact the dope that caused this situation.
4. The Fumbler: This is the person who after everything is rung up is only then prepared to organize everything that the non-dope has done in advance. This person will rummage through bags and/or pockets for coupons, a shopper's price card, etc. This is also very often the same person who will take several minutes to find his/her checkbook after everything is rung up because they were too busy not bagging groceries and/or talking on a cell phone and/or just plain watching the world to go by to do so in advance. YOU KNEW YOU WERE CHECKING OUT YOUR GROCERIES, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PAY BY CHECK--GET YOUR F*CKING CHECKBOOK OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU DOPE!!! DON'T EXTEND THIS EVENT AN EXTRA 10 MINUTES!
5. The Wrangler: This person has kids who are either out of control and trying to ring up magazines, candy, and gum while the wrangler tries futilely to maintain control. This often leads to many of the events listed above. The advanced wrangler will arrive at the checkout counter falsely prepared. They will invariably have an item that they do not want, or have forgotten an item that they intended to purchase. It is only at the last possible moment that the wrangler will send the child back out into the store to pick up/exchange last minute items, without a care in the world that the process is holding up the entire line. This late hunt will not be performed during the early stages of checkout, but rather once all of the other items are near having been or have been checked out in entirety.
6. The Express Line Bandit: This person will have far too many items at the express lane, demonstrating a complete disregard for market decorum. I'm sorry, but it's 10 items or less, not 10 categories or less. A gallon of whole milk, a gallon of skim milk, and a pint of heavy cream are 3 items, not one! A little word to the wise, here. The cashiers at the local supermarket do not get paid nearly enough to handle these confrontations on their own. It is up to you to police this nonsense! It is completely acceptable, if you see an express line bandit, to call him/her on it. You do not have to take it! You are well within your right to tell that person that they have far too many items for the express line, and you are not going to acknowledge their presence in that particular line. You may do this with a brief verbal exchange, accompanied by simply going right in front of them and standing your ground. This particular person usually realizes that they are a dope, but are simply not used to being called on it. Have no fear, you will prevail!

While I'm sure there are other such situations and criteria, it is my hope that this will provide a basic introductory tutorial as to how to make your shopping experience less stressful, and more efficient.