It's important to realize that when you're checking out at a grocery store, it's not always the shortest line or the emptiest cart that should determine which line you choose. Always try to recognize your dope, if possible, and avoid him or her accordingly.
There is not always a rhyme or reason for accomplishing this. It is an acquired art that comes with time and experience, though there are certain things you can look out for in trying to help yourself.
Things to avoid:
1. The Coupon Queen: If you are on line and see that the person ahead of you has a stack of coupons thicker than a George Costanza wallet, choose a different line. This person will inevitably have coupons for items that aren't even being checked out or that have expired. This person will argue the validity of said coupons to the point that you'd almost pay the alleged difference just so you can get on with your life. Trust me, this is almost always a losing battle.
2. Non English Speaking: This person will always have some kind of question for the cashier, but will be unable to communicate effectively, thus making what should be a quick transaction into the time equivalent of a 5 year old trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.
3. The Cell Phone Bandit: This person feels that his/her nonsensical conversation is more important that paying any attention to checking out his/her groceries. This is quite often the same person that offers no help in bagging anything and cops an attitude in blaming the cashier and just about anyone other than themselves for the transaction taking so long. This person can be found huffing and puffing, not recognizing that they are in fact the dope that caused this situation.
4. The Fumbler: This is the person who after everything is rung up is only then prepared to organize everything that the non-dope has done in advance. This person will rummage through bags and/or pockets for coupons, a shopper's price card, etc. This is also very often the same person who will take several minutes to find his/her checkbook after everything is rung up because they were too busy not bagging groceries and/or talking on a cell phone and/or just plain watching the world to go by to do so in advance. YOU KNEW YOU WERE CHECKING OUT YOUR GROCERIES, AND YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PAY BY CHECK--GET YOUR F*CKING CHECKBOOK OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU DOPE!!! DON'T EXTEND THIS EVENT AN EXTRA 10 MINUTES!
5. The Wrangler: This person has kids who are either out of control and trying to ring up magazines, candy, and gum while the wrangler tries futilely to maintain control. This often leads to many of the events listed above. The advanced wrangler will arrive at the checkout counter falsely prepared. They will invariably have an item that they do not want, or have forgotten an item that they intended to purchase. It is only at the last possible moment that the wrangler will send the child back out into the store to pick up/exchange last minute items, without a care in the world that the process is holding up the entire line. This late hunt will not be performed during the early stages of checkout, but rather once all of the other items are near having been or have been checked out in entirety.
6. The Express Line Bandit: This person will have far too many items at the express lane, demonstrating a complete disregard for market decorum. I'm sorry, but it's 10 items or less, not 10 categories or less. A gallon of whole milk, a gallon of skim milk, and a pint of heavy cream are 3 items, not one! A little word to the wise, here. The cashiers at the local supermarket do not get paid nearly enough to handle these confrontations on their own. It is up to you to police this nonsense! It is completely acceptable, if you see an express line bandit, to call him/her on it. You do not have to take it! You are well within your right to tell that person that they have far too many items for the express line, and you are not going to acknowledge their presence in that particular line. You may do this with a brief verbal exchange, accompanied by simply going right in front of them and standing your ground. This particular person usually realizes that they are a dope, but are simply not used to being called on it. Have no fear, you will prevail!
While I'm sure there are other such situations and criteria, it is my hope that this will provide a basic introductory tutorial as to how to make your shopping experience less stressful, and more efficient.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Potential vs. Reality.
Potential vs. Reality.
A father was trying to explain to his teenage son the difference between potential and reality. Having difficulty he came upon a brilliant thought.
He called over his 18 year old daughter and asked, "Honey, I'm trying to explain something to your brother. For argument sake, would you have sex with Zac Efron for $50,000?"
"Duh!" exclaimed the daughter, "That's a no-brainer--of course I would!"
"Thanks dear, that will be all."
The son was quite puzzled by this, but the father assured him that his point would be made.
"Excuse me, dear," dad called to his wife, "I"m trying to clarify a point to your son. Just so he can understand something, I need you to answer honestly. Would you have sex with George Clooney for $50,000?"
"Hmm..." thought the boy's mother. "I don't want to upset you dear, but in order to be fair, that's quite a sum of money, and I can't say that the thought of sex with George Clooney is exactly a turnoff. Please don't be mad, but my honest answer is, Yes."
"Thank you. I"m not mad at all. I appreciate your honesty. That will be all."
When the father and son were alone, the son admitted to his dad, "I'm not sure I really understand."
"You see," said the father, "Potentially, we're sitting on $100,000, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
A father was trying to explain to his teenage son the difference between potential and reality. Having difficulty he came upon a brilliant thought.
He called over his 18 year old daughter and asked, "Honey, I'm trying to explain something to your brother. For argument sake, would you have sex with Zac Efron for $50,000?"
"Duh!" exclaimed the daughter, "That's a no-brainer--of course I would!"
"Thanks dear, that will be all."
The son was quite puzzled by this, but the father assured him that his point would be made.
"Excuse me, dear," dad called to his wife, "I"m trying to clarify a point to your son. Just so he can understand something, I need you to answer honestly. Would you have sex with George Clooney for $50,000?"
"Hmm..." thought the boy's mother. "I don't want to upset you dear, but in order to be fair, that's quite a sum of money, and I can't say that the thought of sex with George Clooney is exactly a turnoff. Please don't be mad, but my honest answer is, Yes."
"Thank you. I"m not mad at all. I appreciate your honesty. That will be all."
When the father and son were alone, the son admitted to his dad, "I'm not sure I really understand."
"You see," said the father, "Potentially, we're sitting on $100,000, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
Monday, December 7, 2009
MSG with Tom Marshall
"Who the heck is Tom Marshall?" you may ask. Tom is the singer/songwriter responsible for many of the lyrics behind about 100 Phish songs. "Why do I care?" would be a likely follow-up question.
Well, I had the pleasure of sitting right next to Tom during the opening set of the Thursday, December 3rd Phish show at Madison Square Garden. In fact, before I even recognized who he was, Tom was kind enough to inform me that I was 'squatting" in his seat and would have to move. It was my friend, Jeremy, who was kind enough to point out that it was in fact the Tom Marshall next to whom I was now sitting.
I took the liberty of telling the history of how I met my wife. On July, 16th, 1999, I met my wife on the lawn of the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ. Surely enough, it was at a Phish show. I took the liberty of telling Tom how at that very show, the band called him onto the stage to sing as they backed him in their cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run."
"That was me!" exclaimed Tom.
"I know," I replied, "I was there!"
Super nice guy. Tom was just as interested as my group as to what songs the band would play that night, and he was really into the show. A family man, he was there with his wife and 2 children. In fact, one of my highlights of the night, as we debated between songs what the band would play next, I was tickled to hear Tom say that he hoped they would not play "Time Turns Elastic," a newer composition that much of the fan base has not supported to this point.
As my good friend Jeff texted to me from the show, Time Turns elastic was a chance for him to use the bathroom, grab a soda, and check the out of town sports scores, all while returning to his seat on time to catch the end of the song.
Alas, Tom Marshall and his family disappeared during the set break and did not return. Despite my telling several would be squatters that they could not stay next to us in our section, that in fact they were in "the Marshall Family seats," a 2nd set with the Marshalls was not to be. Of course, Jeremy took a quality photo of me sitting in Tom's seat during set break. Unfortunately, we never took an actual picture of Tom himself...
Oh well!
Well, I had the pleasure of sitting right next to Tom during the opening set of the Thursday, December 3rd Phish show at Madison Square Garden. In fact, before I even recognized who he was, Tom was kind enough to inform me that I was 'squatting" in his seat and would have to move. It was my friend, Jeremy, who was kind enough to point out that it was in fact the Tom Marshall next to whom I was now sitting.
I took the liberty of telling the history of how I met my wife. On July, 16th, 1999, I met my wife on the lawn of the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, NJ. Surely enough, it was at a Phish show. I took the liberty of telling Tom how at that very show, the band called him onto the stage to sing as they backed him in their cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run."
"That was me!" exclaimed Tom.
"I know," I replied, "I was there!"
Super nice guy. Tom was just as interested as my group as to what songs the band would play that night, and he was really into the show. A family man, he was there with his wife and 2 children. In fact, one of my highlights of the night, as we debated between songs what the band would play next, I was tickled to hear Tom say that he hoped they would not play "Time Turns Elastic," a newer composition that much of the fan base has not supported to this point.
As my good friend Jeff texted to me from the show, Time Turns elastic was a chance for him to use the bathroom, grab a soda, and check the out of town sports scores, all while returning to his seat on time to catch the end of the song.
Alas, Tom Marshall and his family disappeared during the set break and did not return. Despite my telling several would be squatters that they could not stay next to us in our section, that in fact they were in "the Marshall Family seats," a 2nd set with the Marshalls was not to be. Of course, Jeremy took a quality photo of me sitting in Tom's seat during set break. Unfortunately, we never took an actual picture of Tom himself...
Oh well!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Disappointing Phish Show
Went to see Phish in Philadelphia on Wed November 25th. Left from north Jersey about 3:30, and the traffic was murderous. This was to be expected traveling on one of our nation's most densely traversed roadways on what is notoriously the heaviest travel day of the year--Thanksgiving Eve.
I didn't mind the journey. The delays were expected; I had the day off from work, and a long weekend ahead of me. Not only that, but I had my wife in the car with me--alone time and adult conversation has become the exception rather than the norm, both with full time jobs and a 2 year old child to raise.
Surely a longer than expected drive to see my favorite rock and roll band would prove a fruitful experience!
Unfortunately, it just was not to be. The show had potential, and its energetic moments, but overall, was uneven. Just as they would build up the momentum, they would somehow find a way to break stride, leaving this fan underwhelmed.
Perhaps my travels took more of a toll on me than I care to admit. Perhaps I'm getting older and don't quite have the energy of my youth. However, having listened to a couple of other shows from Fall Tour 2009, I can't help but feel a little gypped.
Good thing I have a three night run at MSG this week, which is sure to turn my frown upside down!
I didn't mind the journey. The delays were expected; I had the day off from work, and a long weekend ahead of me. Not only that, but I had my wife in the car with me--alone time and adult conversation has become the exception rather than the norm, both with full time jobs and a 2 year old child to raise.
Surely a longer than expected drive to see my favorite rock and roll band would prove a fruitful experience!
Unfortunately, it just was not to be. The show had potential, and its energetic moments, but overall, was uneven. Just as they would build up the momentum, they would somehow find a way to break stride, leaving this fan underwhelmed.
Perhaps my travels took more of a toll on me than I care to admit. Perhaps I'm getting older and don't quite have the energy of my youth. However, having listened to a couple of other shows from Fall Tour 2009, I can't help but feel a little gypped.
Good thing I have a three night run at MSG this week, which is sure to turn my frown upside down!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I simply haven't kept up with this site, and I was racking my brain to figure out why...
I have ideas all of the time, and I certainly have more than my share of random ideas, thoughts, and impertinent brain strokes. I realized that my ideas rarely come when I'm sitting by my computer.
I may start applying my idea I had for my business towards my blog, but I don't know if I want to put that kind of effort into it. When I first started my business, I found that I could rarely sleep, undisturbed, through the night. The powerful thoughts of my subconscious mind would jog me awake in the middle of the night. At first, I suffered from insomnia, as my mind raced a mile a minute, sending me into near panic attacks from the thoughts that overwhelmed me. I would have such clear and insightful thoughts as to how to manage my life and business that would only occur to me in a sleep cycle. The ideas and thoughts would come to me so clearly, but I would lose them if I fell back to sleep. The fact that I would wake up in the morning, knowing I had forgotten the significant and useful ideas that had occurred to me in the middle of the night eventually lead to my insomnia. I began to panic that my thoughts and ideas that would be so useful and insightful to me would be lost. I was reminded of the Phish song, "Sleep:"
I can't describe the feeling when
I'm in my bed asleep and then
I wake up with a vision blurred
And all my efforts are detered
To reconstruct this image lost
There're certain things my mind must do
and even though they're very few
The image glistens like a gem
Repairing is not one of them
So I'm awake though in my mind
The image that's so unrefined
is calling to me from the deep
and tempting me to fall asleep
However, unlike the song, the fact that I would constantly forget my solid thoughts and ideas began to keep me awake to the point that the exhaustion began to bog me down. So, I came up with a brilliant idea. I decided to keep a notebook on my nightstand. When I woke up in the middle of the night with my thoughts and ideas, I would jot them down in the book. Not only were my thoughts and ideas captured on paper, but the peace of mind established in knowing this allowed me to fall peacefully back to sleep.
Come the morning, I could review my notes and implement them.
Unlike the Seinfeld episode where Jerry writes an illegible note that's of little use to him:
Jerry: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things... I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if...
Tor: (Takes the note, laughing upon reading) Oh, yes-yes... Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109."
My notes were not jumbled nonsense, but quite useful. Supplies that needed to be ordered, phone calls to be made, appointments to be scheduled, etc.
So, I suppose the point of my pointlessness is that if I start to write down my random thoughts as they occur to me, I'd have more to blog for my loyal followers--who only exist in my own mind anyway... :-)
I have ideas all of the time, and I certainly have more than my share of random ideas, thoughts, and impertinent brain strokes. I realized that my ideas rarely come when I'm sitting by my computer.
I may start applying my idea I had for my business towards my blog, but I don't know if I want to put that kind of effort into it. When I first started my business, I found that I could rarely sleep, undisturbed, through the night. The powerful thoughts of my subconscious mind would jog me awake in the middle of the night. At first, I suffered from insomnia, as my mind raced a mile a minute, sending me into near panic attacks from the thoughts that overwhelmed me. I would have such clear and insightful thoughts as to how to manage my life and business that would only occur to me in a sleep cycle. The ideas and thoughts would come to me so clearly, but I would lose them if I fell back to sleep. The fact that I would wake up in the morning, knowing I had forgotten the significant and useful ideas that had occurred to me in the middle of the night eventually lead to my insomnia. I began to panic that my thoughts and ideas that would be so useful and insightful to me would be lost. I was reminded of the Phish song, "Sleep:"
I can't describe the feeling when
I'm in my bed asleep and then
I wake up with a vision blurred
And all my efforts are detered
To reconstruct this image lost
There're certain things my mind must do
and even though they're very few
The image glistens like a gem
Repairing is not one of them
So I'm awake though in my mind
The image that's so unrefined
is calling to me from the deep
and tempting me to fall asleep
However, unlike the song, the fact that I would constantly forget my solid thoughts and ideas began to keep me awake to the point that the exhaustion began to bog me down. So, I came up with a brilliant idea. I decided to keep a notebook on my nightstand. When I woke up in the middle of the night with my thoughts and ideas, I would jot them down in the book. Not only were my thoughts and ideas captured on paper, but the peace of mind established in knowing this allowed me to fall peacefully back to sleep.
Come the morning, I could review my notes and implement them.
Unlike the Seinfeld episode where Jerry writes an illegible note that's of little use to him:
Jerry: Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things... I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if...
Tor: (Takes the note, laughing upon reading) Oh, yes-yes... Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109."
My notes were not jumbled nonsense, but quite useful. Supplies that needed to be ordered, phone calls to be made, appointments to be scheduled, etc.
So, I suppose the point of my pointlessness is that if I start to write down my random thoughts as they occur to me, I'd have more to blog for my loyal followers--who only exist in my own mind anyway... :-)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Who would you rather have lunch with?
J. K. Simmons
Richard Simmons
Gene Simmons
Personally, I'd go with J. K. Simmons.
All 3 are independently wealthy, and I'm sure quite interesting people, though I'd have to pick J.K. for a few reasons.
1. Richard is most likely to make you feel guilty about what you ate.
2. Richard is most likely to show up in those all-too revealing short shorts that leave far too little to the imagination.
3. Gene is the front man for Kiss, makers of the Kiss Kasket and other such collectables all sold for ridiculous profit. Hence this makes my think that Gene might be cheap and least likely to pick up the tab.
4. Richard has that annoying grating voice that might make conversation unbearable.
5. Gene may do something with his outrageous tongue, like drop it in the bread bowl or something.
J.K. has a nice voice, and aside from playing a raping white supremist on OZ, seems like a pretty chill guy.
Yeah, if I had to make this choice, I'd go with J.K.
Richard Simmons
Gene Simmons
Personally, I'd go with J. K. Simmons.
All 3 are independently wealthy, and I'm sure quite interesting people, though I'd have to pick J.K. for a few reasons.
1. Richard is most likely to make you feel guilty about what you ate.
2. Richard is most likely to show up in those all-too revealing short shorts that leave far too little to the imagination.
3. Gene is the front man for Kiss, makers of the Kiss Kasket and other such collectables all sold for ridiculous profit. Hence this makes my think that Gene might be cheap and least likely to pick up the tab.
4. Richard has that annoying grating voice that might make conversation unbearable.
5. Gene may do something with his outrageous tongue, like drop it in the bread bowl or something.
J.K. has a nice voice, and aside from playing a raping white supremist on OZ, seems like a pretty chill guy.
Yeah, if I had to make this choice, I'd go with J.K.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Don't bother with RadioShack
Best site on the internet for cables/wires/etc?
monoprice.com
Seems to cheap to be real, but I assure you, it is. Need an HDMI cable, but don't feel like spending $50 at Best Buy? Why not get one from monoprice for less than $10?
Just a helpful tip...
monoprice.com
Seems to cheap to be real, but I assure you, it is. Need an HDMI cable, but don't feel like spending $50 at Best Buy? Why not get one from monoprice for less than $10?
Just a helpful tip...
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